17 – 1

He sets up behind his own net, walks out in front, defender 1 attacks (toe drag), defender 2 goes for the poke check (play off the boards and past him). Defender 3 is out of position and now only 1 defender left, a simple inside out move, now we’re on the outside on the backhand. Time to apply “the can opener”. This involves 3 weight transfers while doing a short tap on either side of the ball, followed by a toe drag. Now, instead of a normal approach where this would involve a shot 5-hole, I do a 180 hop and then drag to the far post around the poke check while moving left to right and tap the ball in while falling down (the directional transfer at my weight is still too much for my like-new skates with indoor wheels to handle).

Nothing but net (and congratulations from teammates / the opposing goalie because it’s men’s league and quite friendly). 26 years of practice leading to this moment, being able to awe 20+ people in a no-name town with all the speed and stick handling practiced in my driveway. Reliving past memories, or simply escaping reality for a bit. Usually, it’s enjoyable, a way of reliving a bit of my past when I did play some competitive hockey for the school team. Reliving that play in my head against Drexel in the post season where I walked the entire team in my 1st season with my best friend growing up watching me torch his college. This day though, was about something else though; escapism.

I don’t write about hockey, and I don’t talk about how much I play because I try to compartmentalize the worlds a bit. But I noticed something in me that I haven’t felt in a very long time. It wasn’t enough to just score, or to setup teammates. I wanted to.. no, HAD, to embarrass the competition. I wouldn’t just play to relax or have fun, I was playing to escape. And I haven’t felt the desire to escape in over 12 years. Hockey to escape, as friends have noted previously, isn’t the same as hockey to have fun. When I’m having fun, I try stuff, I mess up, I play a typical lackadaisical pick up style. We score some, we let up some, someone steals it (oh well).

No, this wasn’t fun hockey. This was escapism hockey (we’ll get to from what). When I play to escape. I don’t just play, I destroy. For example. I missed the 1st period of our game. At the end of 1, the score was 2-1 our team. At the end of the game, it was 17-1. When I play to escape, I don’t let up. I don’t just want to win the game, I want to make it boring for all involved with how much non-stop scoring there is. I want to toe drag every member of the opposition then tip it off to a teammate for a tap in. I don’t like that person. I’ve kept escapism hockey down for a long time not because I don’t like winning; but because I don’t like the person I am that “accomplishes” the winning.

What am I running from?

I’m running from being trapped in this career without any real way of expressing it that doesn’t seem like it would “get me in trouble”. I’ve always been told I have a “don’t give to F’s” attitude which gets others in trouble and leaves me unscathed. Trust me, it doesn’t make me friends when applied to a work context. I’d love not to be this way, that would be really nice at times.

But I can’t deny who I am. I want to make education a better place. I also believe in pursuit of singularity technologies; technologies that bring about a fundamental transformation in a space of practice, where the previous laws that dictated norms in the space are no longer valid. I’m trying not to allow the words of a keynote speaker drown my enthusiasm (and hopefully at the end of writing this I’ll be back on track) but….

“There has never been a successful open source project that’s stemmed from academia” – Computers and Writing 2016 keynote speaker

This and a few other platitudes that seem incongruent with how our project team sees things:

  • Academia doesn’t produce software, that’s for industry.
  • Have you thought of making this a company, companies can do what the academy cannot?

I’ve been wrestling with these harbingers of doubt. Why keep going? Who’s “Waiting for Superman” (movie, see it) that you are supposedly going to help? No one cares, no one gets it, no one here believes in you that wields power.

 

These thoughts keep haunting me, especially when overloaded with projects that I push myself to get done by impossible deadlines that seemingly have no end in sight (even if “finished”). Why keep fighting, what’s the point? I don’t write to dissuade you from pursuing dreams, but only to realize that imposter syndrome strikes us all from time to time.

After hockey, a friend who I’ve been a sounding board for years returned the favor and I can appreciate why advise seems to go on deaf ears at times. Through all this ranting (though with the real issue at hand involved), he just kept telling me to have fun. To remember, that all of this is about fun. If it’s not fun, it’s not worth doing. And I kept trying to find in my mind more and more “Ya but…” ‘s. My mind wants to rationalize that things couldn’t be that simple. That it couldn’t be me allowing things to crush me in my mind more then they should.

“You’ve built an empire, stop and appreciate that”

In a world where our empires are digital, it’s so hard to actually appreciate them. Anything can be built up and torn down with a simple series of rm -rf *

‘s. When this is true, it is hard to stop some times and realize there are real world consequences for the technologies we build, advocate for and implement….

We’ve mobilized everyone* (almost everyone) in a uniform development paradigm. We’re on the edge of the industry right now when it comes to Web Component architecture (Youtube and McDonalds just released, but I mean, other then them what REAL people are using polymer?).

And maybe because it’s the edge, that’s why it feels so lonely…. but my friend is right. It’s important to keep perspective. To stop, and listen. To enjoy the spring time, focus on what is attainable and keep polaris fixed in her seat as that north star. That ultimate goal of transforming education and educational technology. I’ve been buying too much of my own marketing.. and wanting us to be something more then we are. But then again, no one said there wouldn’t be repercussions, and self-doubt associated with the intentional by-pass of management tracks. It’s just so hard to get over sometimes when the people you trust the most abandon not you, but your ideas…

The game is scheduled, it’s sunny weather outside, it’s time to play… I just need to talk to the sports psychologist before puck drop if I’m going to actually have fun playing the game. Because.. if it’s not for fun… what’s the point of playing at all?

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